5-18-2013 Different entry today

School starts on Monday! Yikes! I got all my books and I am ready to go. I have been sleeping late every day so hopefully I can get my ass out of bed by 8am at least 2x per week. I think I can do it…? Well I have been coming off lithium the last couple days and I haven’t felt any negative side effects, I just want it gone now that I know it is making me gain weight and feel groggyL. The increase in Effexor has helped a little bit I think because I have been feeling a little more energetic, although part of me likes feeling tired so I can just sleep 12 hours a day, but that is just part of the depression blah. Unnecessary stress is just piling its way up in my life. I am stressed that I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I am stressed that I am going to fall off my parent’s insurance when I turn 21 this year and then I will have to start paying for it out of my own sad pocket money, and if I don’t then I will be suck solemnly with Medicaid. Medicaid is not what everyone thinks it is, in fact from what I can tell they don’t pay for hardly any mental health treatment for adults over the age of 21. (And there my problem starts), but why am I even worrying about insurance that should be the least of my problems? Today is Saturday and I am sitting contently at my routine library table on the second floor of the public library listening to the songs by The Fray and Gavin DeGraw, tis the life. The more I think about how my therapy and psychiatrist sessions are going the more I get frustrated. They do not understand what is going on inside the deep dark pit of my head!! Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, in and out all day long! Thinking happy sad, this that, angry I hate you don’t leave me I am hungry I am starving I fat I am not hungry! No one understands me though, they just write me off as reacting to “life circumstances”. That is bull-shit it the pure and most utter form. I am not just reacting to life circumstances, what I am feeling and my thinking is real and I need help. My writing is helping though. There has to be a reason why I am afraid to socialize with people although I am ravenous for human companionship. There has to be a reason why I am intrigued by the most strenuous educational professions such as medicine and Law, yet I can’t seem to finish 2 classes at a community college. There has to be a real tangible reason as to why at the age of 12 I decided to start to starve myself to death, and how now almost 8 ½ years later I am still inevitably intrigued with food. My relationship with food is still bizarre. I am not starving myself in anyway at all; in fact my struggle with food is now that of a binge eater. There I said it! I binge on food! Marissa the Great and powerful Anorexic was defeated by her own internal desires. I am no longer anorexic. That is not to say that it won’t creep back up on me any day now, just like it did in 11^th grade. Just because I am not anorexic does not mean at all that I have a sane relationship with food. In fact I hate it. I hate it more than I did when I was anorexic, but it is like my heroin now. Ask any Binge Eater or Bulimic, when they are in the middle of a binge there is a sense of calm, not happy but things are better for a moment, and that is how it is for me. That pain I feel is better for a few minutes. Just like I was obsessed with self-denying year earlier I now cannot go a minute without thinking of the next time I will Binge, restrict, or blow my guts out with laxatives (which by the way is the stupidest thing because using laxatives do not make you lose weight), but to me it is my only way of grasping onto the last piece of my eating disorder. I am still disordered though, still so sick in the head and I need help and I don’t know how to find it.  

 Sorry for the shorter/weirder entry today I just wasn’t in the mood to do the usual.