3-3-14
Well I am finally getting back
to my old blogging skill. It has been quite a bit of time since I have done an
entry and I am proud to say that I am hitting the grind once again. So much has
happened in the last couple months that words cannot explain. But I am all
about words, so this entry will be all about explaining what I need to say. As
of November 27, 2013 I have been in treatment for my eating disorder (once
again). This is more than my first go around at the Center for Eating Disorders
at Sheppard Pratt Hospital in Towson, Maryland (which just so happens to be my
*current home). I am more than extremely homesick and I honestly plan to move
back home - at the latest by the end of my lease which expires in November of
this year. The tie that I had to my home and to my parents and all those that I
know and love in Hampton Roads, as well as my tie to my routine at home was
greater than I expected. Moving to Maryland, 250 Miles away from everything I
know has been very hard. Being in treatment for the last 3 months has proved to
help me in ways that I did not know. I have had structure, support, and the
guidance that I need to do well. I certainly do not get along with every member
of my treatment team, by no means. I get along well with most of them, but most
of the time it is a challenge to agree with one statement out of my
Psychiatrist’s mouth. The hardest part about this treatment process has not
been gaining the 20 pounds I have gained, but about learning to be more independent
here a place that feels foreign to me.
I have had so many fears about
things that I am unable to explain lately, but I am trying my hardest to focus
on the things I can control and what makes me feel better. The things that make
me feel better when I am in crisis are as follows:
-
Talking to my parents on the phone
-
Knowing that things can only get better when I
am in the worst situation.
-
Looking at pictures of my family and of my
childhood.
-
Thinking about good memories
-
Knowing that I cannot live in my childhood
forever.
-
Creating structure in an environment I am unfamiliar
with so I am able to have connections here.
Those are the main things that make me feel better when I
am in a time of distress.
Another stressor to me lately is that my medication has changed
a lot since my last entry and I feel powerless over controlling the chemicals
in my body. I have come to the conclusion that I am tired of being tired, and
tired of being on medication. If I could come off all my medication and start
over and get a baseline of my mood I would most definitely do that. Sometimes I
feel like the job of the Psychiatrist is to just overly medicate their patient.
This is definitely not the thing to do. I feel like therapy should be the
number one. At Sheppard Pratt there is definitely a balance between therapy and
medication, but still I do not agree with the medication I am on, nor do I like
the fact that I am on so many medications.
I also am really trying to think about what I want to do
with my life because I am 21 ½ and I still have yet to really start something
meaningful. I believe I am going to wait until I get back to Virginia to start
school again.
Well I am slowly getting back to my writing skill but it is
going to take a while to get back the skill. So I am done for today.
Sitting on my tower
With all the concerns in the world
I turn to my absolute power
And I am delivered from the cold
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