6-5-14 There is a purpose and there is Hope.

6-5-14

 

When I was younger I thought I would grow up and enter a happy world. I am now finding that my expectations might have been too big.

 

I saw my therapist today; it’s only the second time seeing her since being back home. I am not really sure there is a connection between us and more importantly I don’t think she is really helping me. I am almost at the point where I want to give up on therapy quite honestly. The last therapist I had at Sheppard Pratt was the best therapist I have had in a while. I really miss her. I think she was one of a kind. Maybe I am comparing an apple to an orange because I know no one will be the same as my old therapist. Maybe I just need to give the new therapist more time and things will get better. I must say she is a bit of an off character, but sometimes the odd characters make the best therapists. I still have yet to see a psychiatrist since coming home as well. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and I really hope she can help me. I know my medications are definitely out of whack so it will be a good thing to get them straightened out.

I am finding that I just feel depleted. I am feeling like there is so much in this life that I am missing out on. I want to feel again. It has been so long since I have even cried I just want to cry. I want to cry and I don’t know why. I believe crying purges the soul of the stuff like garbage of the mind, and for some reason I have just not been able to cry. My grandmother just died and I didn’t even cry. I think I am a zombie or something. I think the medication may be suppressing what I am supposed to feel, but at the same time I feel so much. I am not really sure what is wrong. I like to describe my mind as a crate of eggs that was just dropped on the floor. It is splattered and it is a mess, and it goes out in all directions. My mind goes in all directions sticking to (obsessing over) everything it thinks about. It may be a lame example but that’s what I think of.

There is so much meaning in my life though. I have so many people in this world that love me yet I am fighting the process of growing in life so deeply. This statement is incorrect though because I am growing each and every day no matter what the circumstances are. All the years I spent locked on the eating disorders units, I was still growing, and I have to say I have learned so much from those times. Back in July 2006 when I first entered Sheppard Pratt as an emaciated 13 year old child I barely understood what an eating disorder was. Now at almost 22 years of age I feel like I have gone through some of the best treatment in the world and I could honestly teach a college seminar on eating disorders (if I had a lot of preparation). The point is although I was stuck in a hospital for so long I still grew and the experiences of the life hit me full force. I would like to hope the same thing is happening to me right now. God has a plan for me and I wouldn’t be going through everything I am going through if I wasn’t going to turn out a better person. I am hoping I will use all my experiences and troubles to better someone else one day… maybe in the form of writing my own book. I would love to write my own book and have it on the shelves of Barnes and Noble one day.

I must say that I am in pain in all this process though. My mind and my heart are searching for what I really need in life. I know with the hope I have in my heart I will make it through though.