Hello to all my
readers. I am finally done with my fall classes, and I have to say I am more
than relieved. I don’t think I was very motivated this semester. Being in this
group home and having 8AM classes has just not been my cup of tea. I think I
did well in my math class, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even pass my science
course. It is a developmental class, so it won’t hurt my GPA plus since I am
transferring to The Community College of Baltimore County it won’t even transfer
there anyway. I have just been full of thoughts about what to put my mind and
motivation to once I get there, and choose the right course of study. I am
considering majoring in paralegal studies, getting my Certified Nurse Aide
license, getting my Bachelors in English, or going big and getting my bachelors
of science in Nursing. This will be very hard for me but I know if it is what I
want to truly do I must push through it. Anatomy and Physiology (A&P),
Microbiology, and Chemistry are going to be the hardest classes I will ever
have to take in my life, but if I truly want to be a registered nurse I must
get through them with an A. My passion for writing has grown even stronger but
I often speculate the possibilities of my career in writing. I have had some
negative feedback from some people saying I would just end up working in Barnes
and Noble for the rest of my life, which I actually wouldn’t mind anyway, but I
don’t think I could be financially stable that way. The Occupational Outlook
Handbook (BLS.Gov) reports that average salary in the United States for a registered
nurse is $64,690. To me that is a lot of money. I could easily afford a small
house and live a comfortable life that way. I also can’t imagine anything more
satisfying than saving lives of the sick and wounded. I have spent many years
around Nurses and I have to say I have nothing but respect and admiration for
them. They are the structure to any medical unit and the support to any and all
patients. The M.D.’s write the script, do the surgery, or order a medication
but there is always a Nurse (or Nurse Aide) who carries out those orders. I can’t
imagine anything more rewarding than working with the sophisticated medical
equipment of today’s medical field but it is the schooling that is going to
tough, straining, and raw for me. I know if I choose to pursue a nursing career
I will have hours of studying a head of me and probably added stress. But in
the end I will have a job with great health insurance and great pay, flexible
hours, and I will be doing something I am passionate about. That is not to say
that I do not want to write. I am in a constant battle within myself if I
should choose to dedicate my schooling to a more abstract major such as English
or if I should purse the degree that will lead me to a solid career in the
medical field. With time and lots of thought I will come to that conclusion. Is
money really worth happiness or is doing what I love happiness? That is the
question.
I also have great news; my move in date is November
8! I will be moving for the first time in my life on my own to an apartment in
Towson Maryland (located just outside of Baltimore and approximately 50 minutes
from Washington D.C.). Luckily I will have a roommate who will support me and I
will do the same. I am glad I am not going to be living alone on my first time
away from home. This move is such an epiphany in my life. There will be a wound
from my childhood and adolescents and my adult life that will take time to
mend. I won’t have my mom to talk to every time I need her I will have to
figure things out on my own. Leaving my 9 ½ year old dog, Nestle will also be
one of the hardest things I will have done thus far in my life. I got Nestle
when I was in 6th grade and she has been my best friend, my loyal
partner, and my comfort and I will no longer have her. That dog oddly as it
sounds, means everything to me. I will come home and see Nestle and my family
as often as I can. I will go at least every 2-3 months and on every major
holiday. It is only a 5 hour drive and a 1 hour flight. I won’t have the money
to fly though, and I really don’t feel confident in my ability to drive 5 hours
on my own. But I most likely will have to figure it out.
I will have some time at home before my move
however. I leave the group home on the 25th of October (9 days). I
will need a week or so to get ready and pack. My time in this group home has
taught me many things. If I continue to live my life the way I am, (not hardly
in school, no job, and mentally ill), I will end up in a place like this again.
This is a place for people to stay forever if they choose. I could have chosen
to stay her for months upon end but I made the move toward independence. I have
no choice but to keep going forward otherwise I will continue to go in and out
of the hospital and ultimately land somewhere like this again. I am in ruin
right now, and moving to Towson is my second chance. It is a scary second
chance but it is my chance to move forward. It won’t be easy and I may slip at
times but I can only move forward from here. I also know I will be in the best
care at Sheppard Pratt Hospital Center for Eating Disorders. Sheppard Pratt
continues to rank #6 as best psychiatric hospital in the United States,
according to U.S. and World News and I have no doubt that they will do their
best to keep me safe. I will be seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and go to
support groups. Although I am doing relatively well with my eating disorder it
could relapse at any time that is why I chose to see Eating Disorder
professionals instead of a general psychiatrist. My psychiatrist also has
knowledge of Bipolar Disorder so she will be able to manage both of my
problems.
I am very excited to start with my new therapist
at Sheppard Pratt and I really hope we get lots of good work done. My Bipolar
has been about equally present as my eating disorder I believe. My mind is
never quiet, I can’t enjoy a single moment without the racing thoughts in my
head. I don’t understand why the medication isn’t working and this is what
baffles me about psychiatry. Psychiatrists prescribe medication that is
supposed to really help with Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, whatever- and
I have yet to take any medication that has really done wonders on me. I think
parts of psychiatry are flawed, but I know without the medication I would be
even worse than I am now. So I suppose it does help in a way, I just wish it
helped more. Being here at the group home has shown me that for some,
medication doesn’t help at all. Active Psychosis is very common around here and
I don’t understand why these people aren’t getting the help they need if they
chronically psychotic. Quite frankly I don’t understand why I am not getting
the help if I am chronically depressed, anxious, manic, irritated, whatever I
am; I don’t even know what I am sometimes. Maybe this is just me, and I have to
learn to live with certain aspects of all of this. I am also so fearful. Fear
has penetrated me and taken over so that I am almost incapacitated. This move
is the only thing that has not incapacitated me. Hopefully it frees me a
little.
There is almost nothing to trigger how I feel. I
should be feeling fine but I am not. There are things that make it worse such
as watching this country suffer so much, not knowing what to do with my life,
feeling like I will rely on government assistance for the rest of my life, or
feeling like I am going to lose my family and my dog when I move. But I know
this is not true. My mind is just playing tricks on me.
I would like to close on a happy not. Living at
Lav’m Adult Residence (the official name) has taught me a lot. I have met some
great people, some not so great people, and some people I have nothing but
apathy and compassion for. This place has been a home for me for almost 3
months and I have been safe and my needs have been met. I have almost no money
to my name now but that is what the future is for. I will get there eventually.
I am breaking away.
Take a Risk Make a Change, Breakaway”
-
Kelly Clarkson
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