8/18/14 How to Save a Life

How to Save a Life. One of my favorite songs and the question of the day. I am trying to get back to my old creative self but something seams to be holding me back. I am a heart breaker, a mean person, and apparently a manipulator and a liar. I refuse to believe these things though. I am more than the problems that I face in this life and I WILL over come it. Things have just not been going in my favor lately. I have been struggling with depression for so long I don't know how much longer I can take it. And this keeps slapping me in the face. People don't want anything to do with me. This can't be right though. I was born 3 months early to loving Christian parents in Boston MA on August 24, 1992. I was an innocent child and look what I have become now. I have less than $100 to my name, I have no job, and I am currently not in school. This isn't anyone's fault but my own however. I am searching for a job high and low but nothing seams to come in my favor. I am a heart breaker. Why can't I just do things right?? I feel like I am at the lowest of lows right now. Why can't I just pull it together and get a job and go to school. If I had it my way I would get my English degree with a Creative Writing focus and write. I would write my own book in the hopes to help others like my favorite author Marya Hornbacher. If she got through life threatening anorexia and then bipolar disorder so can I. We face the same problems and she got through it and then attempted to help others through the words she put on paper. My parents are my inspiration. My mom is the hardest working Godly woman I know. She is a Bible teacher, a nurse, and she works at an assisted living facility; above else her most challenging career has been raising my sister and I. She did it with caring, compassion, and diligence however. My dad is a Captain in the Navy. He has seen things that he probably doesn't even talk about. He has made a 30 year career out of serving our country and he is my inspiration. Both my parents are my inspiration and I love them both. I just feel lowly and unaccomplished in the life I am living. I am stuck and I don't know how to turn things around. I need help. Some say there is no one who can help me but myself, others say God will be the one to help me. I have gotten some of the best professional help in the world so it is time for me to take action. I will be a writer, a paralegal, a pharmacy technician, I can be whatever the hell I choose.

When I look for pure innocence in this world I look no farther than the dog in my house. She is 10 1/2 years old and she is my little companion. She does not have a mean streak in her body and I love her so much. Animals are really the best creatures for someone who feels alone. My dog has been there for me for since I was 11 years old.

I can do this.

6-5-14 There is a purpose and there is Hope.

6-5-14

 

When I was younger I thought I would grow up and enter a happy world. I am now finding that my expectations might have been too big.

 

I saw my therapist today; it’s only the second time seeing her since being back home. I am not really sure there is a connection between us and more importantly I don’t think she is really helping me. I am almost at the point where I want to give up on therapy quite honestly. The last therapist I had at Sheppard Pratt was the best therapist I have had in a while. I really miss her. I think she was one of a kind. Maybe I am comparing an apple to an orange because I know no one will be the same as my old therapist. Maybe I just need to give the new therapist more time and things will get better. I must say she is a bit of an off character, but sometimes the odd characters make the best therapists. I still have yet to see a psychiatrist since coming home as well. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and I really hope she can help me. I know my medications are definitely out of whack so it will be a good thing to get them straightened out.

I am finding that I just feel depleted. I am feeling like there is so much in this life that I am missing out on. I want to feel again. It has been so long since I have even cried I just want to cry. I want to cry and I don’t know why. I believe crying purges the soul of the stuff like garbage of the mind, and for some reason I have just not been able to cry. My grandmother just died and I didn’t even cry. I think I am a zombie or something. I think the medication may be suppressing what I am supposed to feel, but at the same time I feel so much. I am not really sure what is wrong. I like to describe my mind as a crate of eggs that was just dropped on the floor. It is splattered and it is a mess, and it goes out in all directions. My mind goes in all directions sticking to (obsessing over) everything it thinks about. It may be a lame example but that’s what I think of.

There is so much meaning in my life though. I have so many people in this world that love me yet I am fighting the process of growing in life so deeply. This statement is incorrect though because I am growing each and every day no matter what the circumstances are. All the years I spent locked on the eating disorders units, I was still growing, and I have to say I have learned so much from those times. Back in July 2006 when I first entered Sheppard Pratt as an emaciated 13 year old child I barely understood what an eating disorder was. Now at almost 22 years of age I feel like I have gone through some of the best treatment in the world and I could honestly teach a college seminar on eating disorders (if I had a lot of preparation). The point is although I was stuck in a hospital for so long I still grew and the experiences of the life hit me full force. I would like to hope the same thing is happening to me right now. God has a plan for me and I wouldn’t be going through everything I am going through if I wasn’t going to turn out a better person. I am hoping I will use all my experiences and troubles to better someone else one day… maybe in the form of writing my own book. I would love to write my own book and have it on the shelves of Barnes and Noble one day.

I must say that I am in pain in all this process though. My mind and my heart are searching for what I really need in life. I know with the hope I have in my heart I will make it through though.

venting entry

6-3-14

Well it has been a while since I have last written anything. I have just been in a funk lately. Today I am proud to say that I am home back in Virginia. I have been very happy to be back home. This is what I wanted the whole time I was in Baltimore, but why am I still unhappy?? The keys on this computer can not yet explain the emotion the pulsates through my body. My body can only take so much of this. I smoke, I am still not eating right, I don't take care of myself. When will my body just give up on me? I am in a very powerful body though. Even in my bouts of Anorexia my body was resilient and jumped back from the torture I was putting it through. Today my Anorexic life seams like only a whim in my past. I am at a healthy weight, my blood work is healthy, I was just released less than a month ago from Sheppard Pratt's Intensive Outpatient Program. I have gone through all 3 levels of the program's treatment process. IOP was definitely the most challenging of the levels of treatment. I was supposed to get back to my life; work, go to school, alas even volunteer, but I was unable to do any of that. I am the most lazy disgraceful, and pitiful of all human beings. I am at the bottom of the social class, the financial class, I am on Social Security Income, I am Marissa Adams and I am a failure. I can't even get out of bed some days. I am stuck in the rut of my own pathetic life. All my friends who still go through their own struggles hold down jobs, go to school, go out with friends, and I haven't done any of that. All I am doing is taking a sociology class at my local college. And why am I taking sociology? I have no clue? And my living arrangement well, its stable for now but I will have to leave my parent's house in September. This is probably the most frightening thing of all in my life. I finally feel stability, I am around my loving family that has only been nurturing my whole life. My parent's are the best thing I have right now. They saved me from the prison I was living in, when I was on my own. I have a horrible confession, when I was living on my own in Baltimore, I was in bed most of the day. I felt weak, exhausted, and morbidly depressed. I would rather go back to my life of Anorexia than do that again. I was a prisoner to my own soul that kept me locked in the vines of my own hostility- towards myself. 

There are some days when I wonder if this will ever end. When will I be able to get out of bed without not wanting to go back to bed for the rest of my life. When will I go throughout the day without hoping it was time to go back to bed. You see, this is not the way ANYONE should go throughout their day. People are always comparing me to other people my age, but I think I should be compared to every other person walking on this planet. The life I am living at the current second is not that of anyone else. I am perpetually alone. You would think someone with my desire to be "normal" to society's expectations would be holding down a full time job or going into my senior year of college. However, I am stuck. I finally admit I need help. I have received the best help in this country for my eating disorder. I have more than an eating disorder though. You can call it Bipolar Disorder but I don't know what is wrong with me to be frank.

So that was my little venting session. I got most of what is inside out on the computer. You can think whatever you want of me now, but I am just glad I got it out. I know most of you who read my blog are my loved ones and true friends so I know I don't have to worry about being shunned by society even more. I know things can only get better from here though. Even in the last month I have improved from staying in bed all day to going out into the world and taking a class, caring more about my appearance, and to be honest putting all this out in words. I have held so much in the last couple months that putting all this down in writing is a big step for me. I desire nothing more than to be loved and I think that is what I am searching for. Why am I searching for love when it is right in front of me though. My parents are the most loving people I ever could have asked for. I think it is because they have been showing tough love to me lately. They drag my ass out of bed when I don't feel the motivation to do it myself, they have set very strict rules about me being at home. I have to feed myself which is probably the most challenging of all. And the self-harm- well I have to throw that idea as far out of my mind as possible. If I engage in any self destructive behavior at all I am kicked out of the house. So these rules have kept me from falling back into the horrible cycle. I am proud to say it has been over a month since I have self-harmed. This is the longest I have gone, excluding the times I have been in the hospital. So I am finally moving forward. Taking strides towards a recovered life.

During this challenging part of my life, tragedy has struck my family. My dear Grandmother past away a little over a week ago. I was down in Atlanta Georgia with my dad for the funeral and other things we had to take care of. I was trying my best to be the supportive daughter I should be. But was I good enough? I also ask God- why did this have to happen? My grandma was one of the most loving, dedicated people I know. She was all about peace to the world, and she really got into that. Why did this have to happen? I just lost my grandpa less than 6 months ago. And my poor dad, he deals with so much as it is with everything he goes through with me around and now he just lost both of his parents. This is a tragedy. However she is gone and my heart is burning. She was the grandma who I looked forward to going to her house to see her cats, and all the memories she had in her house. She kept everything from empty pill bottles to my dad's toy trucks from when he was a kid. Seeing that empty house that my grandparents lived in for 30 years was like going into an empty mall. They weren't there. That was their house and they weren't there. I know they were with us in spirit. I just felt my grandma's presence. I am mad though, I never got to say goodbye. She died in her own home in pain, without me holding her hand. I believe I held a special part in her heart and I wasn't there when she was dying. I was too wrapped up in my own greedy misery back in my own life. I feel like it's my fault I wasn't there but at the same time I know there is nothing I could have done. She died very quickly. At least now I know she is resting in peace. I will always love her.

I hope this entry didn't disturb anyone. It is like I said, I have held in so many things for so long that I desire to get back to my writing to release it.



Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

3-3-14 Newest Entry in a Long Time!!!

3-3-14

 

Well I am finally getting back to my old blogging skill. It has been quite a bit of time since I have done an entry and I am proud to say that I am hitting the grind once again. So much has happened in the last couple months that words cannot explain. But I am all about words, so this entry will be all about explaining what I need to say. As of November 27, 2013 I have been in treatment for my eating disorder (once again). This is more than my first go around at the Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt Hospital in Towson, Maryland (which just so happens to be my *current home). I am more than extremely homesick and I honestly plan to move back home - at the latest by the end of my lease which expires in November of this year. The tie that I had to my home and to my parents and all those that I know and love in Hampton Roads, as well as my tie to my routine at home was greater than I expected. Moving to Maryland, 250 Miles away from everything I know has been very hard. Being in treatment for the last 3 months has proved to help me in ways that I did not know. I have had structure, support, and the guidance that I need to do well. I certainly do not get along with every member of my treatment team, by no means. I get along well with most of them, but most of the time it is a challenge to agree with one statement out of my Psychiatrist’s mouth. The hardest part about this treatment process has not been gaining the 20 pounds I have gained, but about learning to be more independent here a place that feels foreign to me.

I have had so many fears about things that I am unable to explain lately, but I am trying my hardest to focus on the things I can control and what makes me feel better. The things that make me feel better when I am in crisis are as follows:

-     Talking to my parents on the phone

-     Knowing that things can only get better when I am in the worst situation.

-     Looking at pictures of my family and of my childhood.

-     Thinking about good memories

-     Knowing that I cannot live in my childhood forever.

-     Creating structure in an environment I am unfamiliar with so I am able to have connections here.

 

Those are the main things that make me feel better when I am in a time of distress.

Another stressor to me lately is that my medication has changed a lot since my last entry and I feel powerless over controlling the chemicals in my body. I have come to the conclusion that I am tired of being tired, and tired of being on medication. If I could come off all my medication and start over and get a baseline of my mood I would most definitely do that. Sometimes I feel like the job of the Psychiatrist is to just overly medicate their patient. This is definitely not the thing to do. I feel like therapy should be the number one. At Sheppard Pratt there is definitely a balance between therapy and medication, but still I do not agree with the medication I am on, nor do I like the fact that I am on so many medications.

I also am really trying to think about what I want to do with my life because I am 21 ½ and I still have yet to really start something meaningful. I believe I am going to wait until I get back to Virginia to start school again.

 

Well I am slowly getting back to my writing skill but it is going to take a while to get back the skill. So I am done for today.

 

Sitting on my tower

With all the concerns in the world

I turn to my absolute power

And I am delivered from the cold

Finished with Classes!!!! October 16, 2013

Hello to all my readers. I am finally done with my fall classes, and I have to say I am more than relieved. I don’t think I was very motivated this semester. Being in this group home and having 8AM classes has just not been my cup of tea. I think I did well in my math class, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even pass my science course. It is a developmental class, so it won’t hurt my GPA plus since I am transferring to The Community College of Baltimore County it won’t even transfer there anyway. I have just been full of thoughts about what to put my mind and motivation to once I get there, and choose the right course of study. I am considering majoring in paralegal studies, getting my Certified Nurse Aide license, getting my Bachelors in English, or going big and getting my bachelors of science in Nursing. This will be very hard for me but I know if it is what I want to truly do I must push through it. Anatomy and Physiology (A&P), Microbiology, and Chemistry are going to be the hardest classes I will ever have to take in my life, but if I truly want to be a registered nurse I must get through them with an A. My passion for writing has grown even stronger but I often speculate the possibilities of my career in writing. I have had some negative feedback from some people saying I would just end up working in Barnes and Noble for the rest of my life, which I actually wouldn’t mind anyway, but I don’t think I could be financially stable that way. The Occupational Outlook Handbook (BLS.Gov) reports that average salary in the United States for a registered nurse is $64,690. To me that is a lot of money. I could easily afford a small house and live a comfortable life that way. I also can’t imagine anything more satisfying than saving lives of the sick and wounded. I have spent many years around Nurses and I have to say I have nothing but respect and admiration for them. They are the structure to any medical unit and the support to any and all patients. The M.D.’s write the script, do the surgery, or order a medication but there is always a Nurse (or Nurse Aide) who carries out those orders. I can’t imagine anything more rewarding than working with the sophisticated medical equipment of today’s medical field but it is the schooling that is going to tough, straining, and raw for me. I know if I choose to pursue a nursing career I will have hours of studying a head of me and probably added stress. But in the end I will have a job with great health insurance and great pay, flexible hours, and I will be doing something I am passionate about. That is not to say that I do not want to write. I am in a constant battle within myself if I should choose to dedicate my schooling to a more abstract major such as English or if I should purse the degree that will lead me to a solid career in the medical field. With time and lots of thought I will come to that conclusion. Is money really worth happiness or is doing what I love happiness? That is the question.

I also have great news; my move in date is November 8! I will be moving for the first time in my life on my own to an apartment in Towson Maryland (located just outside of Baltimore and approximately 50 minutes from Washington D.C.). Luckily I will have a roommate who will support me and I will do the same. I am glad I am not going to be living alone on my first time away from home. This move is such an epiphany in my life. There will be a wound from my childhood and adolescents and my adult life that will take time to mend. I won’t have my mom to talk to every time I need her I will have to figure things out on my own. Leaving my 9 ½ year old dog, Nestle will also be one of the hardest things I will have done thus far in my life. I got Nestle when I was in 6^th grade and she has been my best friend, my loyal partner, and my comfort and I will no longer have her. That dog oddly as it sounds, means everything to me. I will come home and see Nestle and my family as often as I can. I will go at least every 2-3 months and on every major holiday. It is only a 5 hour drive and a 1 hour flight. I won’t have the money to fly though, and I really don’t feel confident in my ability to drive 5 hours on my own. But I most likely will have to figure it out.

 

I will have some time at home before my move however. I leave the group home on the 25^th of October (9 days). I will need a week or so to get ready and pack. My time in this group home has taught me many things. If I continue to live my life the way I am, (not hardly in school, no job, and mentally ill), I will end up in a place like this again. This is a place for people to stay forever if they choose. I could have chosen to stay her for months upon end but I made the move toward independence. I have no choice but to keep going forward otherwise I will continue to go in and out of the hospital and ultimately land somewhere like this again. I am in ruin right now, and moving to Towson is my second chance. It is a scary second chance but it is my chance to move forward. It won’t be easy and I may slip at times but I can only move forward from here. I also know I will be in the best care at Sheppard Pratt Hospital Center for Eating Disorders. Sheppard Pratt continues to rank #6 as best psychiatric hospital in the United States, according to U.S. and World News and I have no doubt that they will do their best to keep me safe. I will be seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and go to support groups. Although I am doing relatively well with my eating disorder it could relapse at any time that is why I chose to see Eating Disorder professionals instead of a general psychiatrist. My psychiatrist also has knowledge of Bipolar Disorder so she will be able to manage both of my problems.

I am very excited to start with my new therapist at Sheppard Pratt and I really hope we get lots of good work done. My Bipolar has been about equally present as my eating disorder I believe. My mind is never quiet, I can’t enjoy a single moment without the racing thoughts in my head. I don’t understand why the medication isn’t working and this is what baffles me about psychiatry. Psychiatrists prescribe medication that is supposed to really help with Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, whatever- and I have yet to take any medication that has really done wonders on me. I think parts of psychiatry are flawed, but I know without the medication I would be even worse than I am now. So I suppose it does help in a way, I just wish it helped more. Being here at the group home has shown me that for some, medication doesn’t help at all. Active Psychosis is very common around here and I don’t understand why these people aren’t getting the help they need if they chronically psychotic. Quite frankly I don’t understand why I am not getting the help if I am chronically depressed, anxious, manic, irritated, whatever I am; I don’t even know what I am sometimes. Maybe this is just me, and I have to learn to live with certain aspects of all of this. I am also so fearful. Fear has penetrated me and taken over so that I am almost incapacitated. This move is the only thing that has not incapacitated me. Hopefully it frees me a little.

There is almost nothing to trigger how I feel. I should be feeling fine but I am not. There are things that make it worse such as watching this country suffer so much, not knowing what to do with my life, feeling like I will rely on government assistance for the rest of my life, or feeling like I am going to lose my family and my dog when I move. But I know this is not true. My mind is just playing tricks on me.

I would like to close on a happy not. Living at Lav’m Adult Residence (the official name) has taught me a lot. I have met some great people, some not so great people, and some people I have nothing but apathy and compassion for. This place has been a home for me for almost 3 months and I have been safe and my needs have been met. I have almost no money to my name now but that is what the future is for. I will get there eventually. I am breaking away.

Take a Risk Make a Change, Breakaway”

-        Kelly Clarkson

long post you need to read it :)

9/18/13

Hello all, as promised I am getting more into my blog again so you will see more posts. Today I have several things I want to talk about. First is my overwhelming desire to write, I want to write write write! I want to write at least 3 books and become the new Susana Kaysen. She is only one of my inspirations in writing. My plan still is to attend the Community College of Baltimore County and take as many general education requirements as I can then transfer my education to Towson University and Major in English Writing with a minor in Creative Writing, because all I want to do is write- creatively. There are so many interesting English classes in my future I just can’t wait, I wish I could just bypass all the gen-eds but even I know that is required for a formal education. Some of the courses I hope to take in the future are as followed:

Women’s Words Women’s Lives

Writing Poetry

Modern Jewish Literature

Historical Linguistics

History and Literature of the Old Testament

Writing Fiction

Literary Essay (which will be fundamental)

British Literature since and before 1798

American Literature since and before 1865

Shakespearean Comedies and Tragedies

And many more!

Some of the great authors I hope to learn about are Virginia Wolfe, Emily Dickenson, John Donne, Edgar Allen Poe (excitement!), James Baldwin, and Shakespeare of course. These are all outlined in the English Department curriculum at Towson University. I still have much to learn about sentence structure and minor punctuation though so my beginning courses will help me out with that.

Now about my life, I have been ruminating on my surroundings lately. This group home has been great to me for the most part, but a lot of the people here are really starting to bother me. Most of the people here have Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder (like me) and some of them are very odd and difficult to get along with (my roommate in particular). I have been in psychiatric wards of all sorts and this is beyond the lowest of the dumping ground for the mentally ill I have ever seen. This is a place where the mentally ill go when they have nowhere else to go. Fortunately I DO have somewhere else to go, and I will be going there relatively soon. Just to give you an idea of what life is like here, imagine waking up at 3AM to your roommate turning on the light and getting on her knees and praying…at 3 AM…which she does about 20 times per day, or imagine waking up at 6:30AM to the sound of a 54 year old man with a tattoo of a star on his forehead singing away to himself in the smoke yard. Imagine eating dinner next to a dear fellow who is so feeble and ill he has to have puree food and can’t feed himself, and had to wear a diaper. Imagine your roommate coming up to you several times per day screaming “you are dead” and you will eat horse shit! For no apparent reason this is what she says to me. She has a “voodooist” in her head that makes herself sound like me and she thinks I am saying evil things about her she screams “Power, Power, Power, you all have power and I know what you are going to do”. In other words she is completely off her rocker. I have sympathy for these people though (except when they get violent); because Schizophrenia is a brain disorder just like Bipolar except it comes with much more delusions. Most of the people I live with are completely psychotic. I still feel bad for them though because although I don’t deal with active psychosis I have symptoms and I feel bad that they have to go through that. I am just ready for my move already. This will all be part of my book because it is part of my life experience.

The symptoms I deal with are different than delusional psychosis. I suffer with Bipolar Disorder and a personality disorder (most likely), so I have mood shifts- one day I will be okay and the next day I may be very depressed and low and hardly able to make a decision. Every couple months I also experience mania in which I get overly excited about an idea and I will concentrate on nothing but a certain idea and everything else is gone. I may do “reckless” things such as get my nose pierced or my lips (which I have done), I may spend a significant amount of money (which I have done), and I may get easily angered and very irritable. They say some people with Bipolar 1 Disorder can get psychotic but I have yet to get psychotic…I think. I hope not to.

Besides that my eating disorder has been the prevalent sweet poison of my life. I will describe my Binge Eating/Bulimia as this – Crave nothing but high calorie fattening food and all you want to do is eat all day and then take an entire package of laxatives. You hate your body so much because you have gained weight but you can’t cut the tie with food it is you’re drug-literally. You still get on the scale 4 times per day just like you did when you were anorexic. You still count calories only this time you are so drugged up on lithium that all you can do is sleep your food depression away. You stay in bead 13 hours per day and watch TV and eat 2 boxes of cereal followed by 3 brownies, followed by whatever else you can get your hands on. You have tried to make yourself vomit using every method you have heard of but you just can’t do it.  So- you are a laxative junkie. You go to Walmart every day and buy your laxatives and if they don’t have them you panic and go to the Walmart 10 miles away. You smuggle your laxatives into the house hoping your parents don’t catch you because laxatives are like heroin to your parents, just like heroin. After your massive binge at 4:30PM you take your laxatives while your whole family is still out doing their day, you weigh yourself, cry, maybe cut yourself and get into bed at 5pm for the night. That was the life of Marissa Adams the lithium zombie laxative addict Binge Eater. And to this day I am still laxative dependent.

The life of Anorexic Marissa was extremely different yet she still hated herself and weighed herself 4x per day. The worst was my sophomore year of high school and my first year out of high school. In 10^th grade I am convinced I was almost schizophrenic myself…I wore shorts with leggings, with skeleton shoes, and carried a leopard animal backpack around all day. Get up at 7AM wash face do morning ritual go out to the freezing cold bus stop at 7:55AM and pray that the bus is warm so that your bones won’t turn into ice. Get to school at 8:20AM and sit through sociology and drivers ed/PE for the first two classes. They drag, because you are freezing cold but not even hungry because your cravings for food have completely diminished. All you crave is diet coke and raw vegetables. During PE your stupid teacher doesn’t know you are anorexic and when you try to run and you can’t she says “Marissa run or no points”! So you pull the energy from within your bone marrow and start jogging a little bit. You are past the point of over exercising you are just living the holocaust victim life. At “lunch” you get a cherry coke zero and sit by yourself and some random twit says “hey eat a fucking hamburger”!! You pick up your stuff and go into the bathroom with tears in your eyes almost hoping you will be forced back in the hospital soon. At the end of the day you are the last stop home on the bus so you fall asleep in the warm bus as usual. You get home and your mom’s wide eyes look at you with horror and ask with a cringe “How was your day Marissa”? “Fine”, you say. Nothing about this day or year or life is fine. You drink a nice warm cup of instant black coffee without splenda because even splenda because you are convinced even that has hidden calories they don’t put on the label. After your coffee break it is time to head over to work at the retirement home for a strenuous night of serving the residents. The managers despite having a dyeing co-worker in front of them only care about the residents. You pray you get out before 7:30PM so you can go home and eat your little bit of food and be in bead (or on the couch) by 9PM. Twice during working at the retirement home I had to sit down on the couch because I felt like I was going to pass out. Despite that, Marissa got up and went back to work. It wasn’t until February 2009 that you were forced back to the Sheppard Pratt Hospital because you’re eating disorder was about to kill you. You have to tell your boss you are leaving because you are “sick” she tries to show sympathy but it’s corny. On my last day of work they manager gives me a hardy slap and the back and says “boy you really are a sack of bones”! (Yeah what else is new)??? You get admitted to the old familiar asylum at age 16 with a height of 5”6 and you weigh in at 82 lbs. The psychiatrist looks you square in the eye and says “Marissa, you are near death it is good you came here when you did”. Your sugar is low, your potassium is low, and your liver function is off. I knew in my head it was nothing weight gain wouldn’t fix. I learned in a few days after I had osteoporosis and the bones of a 60 year old woman. I was in the hospital for 10 weeks. I watched the news every morning, went to group, and beat to the drum of the eating disorder facility. That was the life of 16 year old Marissa Adams. I should have been getting my drivers permit, playing on a sports team, going to football games, making friends, and having fun. Instead I was in a 330 bed psychiatric hospital 5.5 hours away from home. I stayed there for a very long time. I argued, I flipped out, I screamed, I manipulated my psychiatrist, I put my feet in the ground, but in the end they one, my psychiatrist discharged me at a healthy weight. There is no point in fighting the system because the medical team will always win and the mentally ill patient will always lose the argument. They will put you on meds and they will force you to eat. And if you don’t you just stay longer. Or in the sad case your insurance stops paying and you are forced back home to deal with your illness until you have to go back to the hospital again. That is the life of an anorexic. It is sad, depressing, and shameful.

I will talk about my current eating disorder and how it affects me next time. Stay tuned!

“Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes.”

~Emily Dickinson

Well hello everyone. I have decided it is time for a new update. Here I am in the confines of my bedroom in the group home I have been staying in for the past 3 weeks. I am just typing away on my laptop on my bed. Lots of good news has come thus far though. The group home I am staying at is actually really nice, I have met some wonderful people and I will miss them dearly when I leave. Alas I am moving to better places and better things; I am moving to Towson Maryland. I am finally doing this after years of procrastination doing this. This is very exciting for me because I get to start at a whole new college and a whole new life. And I get to have my own apartment for the first time in my life. And I will be seen by some of the best Doctors in this country at Sheppard Pratt Hospital.

My plan is to arrive in Maryland and get all my things unpacked and then I have some top priorities on the list to do. I will start school in January to take pre requisites for the Certified Nursing Aide program. One may ask, why would you want to be a CNA of all things?? Well CNA’s work in healthcare environments and they are the first responders to the patient/resident. My grandfather is 98 years old and was recently placed in a memory care unit for people with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, and that has touched me to work with people who have dementia and Alzheimer’s. Words can’t explain how hard it must be to have gotten that far in your life and then your brain spontaneously shuts down and you can’t even take yourself to the bathroom. Those are the people I want to work with. I think it will be very rewarding for me.

Aside from school and appointments in Towson I am looking forward to catching up with some old friends of mine, a few in particular ;) I am nervous but thrilled all at the same time. I think anyone in my situation would be a little nervous about something like this. It turns out I am going to probably have a roommate as well. I am looking forward to this because I won’t be completely alone, I will have someone there to say hi to when I come home. I am also looking forward to meeting new people I have never met before. I want to sit in Barnes and Noble and drink coffee and do homework, I want to watch Netflix late at night in my own apartment, and I want to be my own person. This is all so exciting for me.

My mental health has been on the middle of the priority list lately. I have been doing “average” for someone with Bipolar and an eating disorder. I am finally at my goal weight after years of going far below it and years of being above it. So I am very proud of that, but I still am completely repelled by the way I look and I still have eating disorder symptoms but I am stable. My Bipolar Disorder is not so stable in my prospective but that may be the way it is for a very long time. I have tried lithium, I even tried Depakote for 2 weeks but I didn’t like it. There is nothing else left to try, so I am trying to just push the crowded thoughts out of my head. I know eventually everything will be okay. I am currently on Topamax, Geodon, Pristiq, and Valium for anxiety. Geodon is supposed to be helping me the most.

I talked with my therapist and it seems that I have a personality disorder in addition to Bipolar Disorder 1, and EDNOS at the moment. My diagnoses change sometimes though. All that nonsense doesn’t even matter, all that matters is that my life is stable and I am doing okay. The rest is all for the insurance. I am still thinking long term what I want to do with my education and I have a strong desire to write. I want to write a novel, my life’s story a Shakespearian tragedy and comedy of Marissa’s life. That’s what I want to do long term, but I don’t know if that will work out because I am not sure if my parents will send me to school for that. Money is limited and getting a Master’s degree in writing may not be practical for me but I hope to pursuit it at some point. There are just so many opportunities out there. Hey you never know once I start working as a CNA, I might really like that work and just decide to stick with that. You never really know. I am really happy to be back blogging and I think I will get back into it full time now that I have more time on my hands. I am going to school 2 days per week but other than that I will have some time to dedicate to this blog.

 

 “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”

~Virginia Woolf