venting entry

6-3-14

Well it has been a while since I have last written anything. I have just been in a funk lately. Today I am proud to say that I am home back in Virginia. I have been very happy to be back home. This is what I wanted the whole time I was in Baltimore, but why am I still unhappy?? The keys on this computer can not yet explain the emotion the pulsates through my body. My body can only take so much of this. I smoke, I am still not eating right, I don't take care of myself. When will my body just give up on me? I am in a very powerful body though. Even in my bouts of Anorexia my body was resilient and jumped back from the torture I was putting it through. Today my Anorexic life seams like only a whim in my past. I am at a healthy weight, my blood work is healthy, I was just released less than a month ago from Sheppard Pratt's Intensive Outpatient Program. I have gone through all 3 levels of the program's treatment process. IOP was definitely the most challenging of the levels of treatment. I was supposed to get back to my life; work, go to school, alas even volunteer, but I was unable to do any of that. I am the most lazy disgraceful, and pitiful of all human beings. I am at the bottom of the social class, the financial class, I am on Social Security Income, I am Marissa Adams and I am a failure. I can't even get out of bed some days. I am stuck in the rut of my own pathetic life. All my friends who still go through their own struggles hold down jobs, go to school, go out with friends, and I haven't done any of that. All I am doing is taking a sociology class at my local college. And why am I taking sociology? I have no clue? And my living arrangement well, its stable for now but I will have to leave my parent's house in September. This is probably the most frightening thing of all in my life. I finally feel stability, I am around my loving family that has only been nurturing my whole life. My parent's are the best thing I have right now. They saved me from the prison I was living in, when I was on my own. I have a horrible confession, when I was living on my own in Baltimore, I was in bed most of the day. I felt weak, exhausted, and morbidly depressed. I would rather go back to my life of Anorexia than do that again. I was a prisoner to my own soul that kept me locked in the vines of my own hostility- towards myself. 

There are some days when I wonder if this will ever end. When will I be able to get out of bed without not wanting to go back to bed for the rest of my life. When will I go throughout the day without hoping it was time to go back to bed. You see, this is not the way ANYONE should go throughout their day. People are always comparing me to other people my age, but I think I should be compared to every other person walking on this planet. The life I am living at the current second is not that of anyone else. I am perpetually alone. You would think someone with my desire to be "normal" to society's expectations would be holding down a full time job or going into my senior year of college. However, I am stuck. I finally admit I need help. I have received the best help in this country for my eating disorder. I have more than an eating disorder though. You can call it Bipolar Disorder but I don't know what is wrong with me to be frank.

So that was my little venting session. I got most of what is inside out on the computer. You can think whatever you want of me now, but I am just glad I got it out. I know most of you who read my blog are my loved ones and true friends so I know I don't have to worry about being shunned by society even more. I know things can only get better from here though. Even in the last month I have improved from staying in bed all day to going out into the world and taking a class, caring more about my appearance, and to be honest putting all this out in words. I have held so much in the last couple months that putting all this down in writing is a big step for me. I desire nothing more than to be loved and I think that is what I am searching for. Why am I searching for love when it is right in front of me though. My parents are the most loving people I ever could have asked for. I think it is because they have been showing tough love to me lately. They drag my ass out of bed when I don't feel the motivation to do it myself, they have set very strict rules about me being at home. I have to feed myself which is probably the most challenging of all. And the self-harm- well I have to throw that idea as far out of my mind as possible. If I engage in any self destructive behavior at all I am kicked out of the house. So these rules have kept me from falling back into the horrible cycle. I am proud to say it has been over a month since I have self-harmed. This is the longest I have gone, excluding the times I have been in the hospital. So I am finally moving forward. Taking strides towards a recovered life.

During this challenging part of my life, tragedy has struck my family. My dear Grandmother past away a little over a week ago. I was down in Atlanta Georgia with my dad for the funeral and other things we had to take care of. I was trying my best to be the supportive daughter I should be. But was I good enough? I also ask God- why did this have to happen? My grandma was one of the most loving, dedicated people I know. She was all about peace to the world, and she really got into that. Why did this have to happen? I just lost my grandpa less than 6 months ago. And my poor dad, he deals with so much as it is with everything he goes through with me around and now he just lost both of his parents. This is a tragedy. However she is gone and my heart is burning. She was the grandma who I looked forward to going to her house to see her cats, and all the memories she had in her house. She kept everything from empty pill bottles to my dad's toy trucks from when he was a kid. Seeing that empty house that my grandparents lived in for 30 years was like going into an empty mall. They weren't there. That was their house and they weren't there. I know they were with us in spirit. I just felt my grandma's presence. I am mad though, I never got to say goodbye. She died in her own home in pain, without me holding her hand. I believe I held a special part in her heart and I wasn't there when she was dying. I was too wrapped up in my own greedy misery back in my own life. I feel like it's my fault I wasn't there but at the same time I know there is nothing I could have done. She died very quickly. At least now I know she is resting in peace. I will always love her.

I hope this entry didn't disturb anyone. It is like I said, I have held in so many things for so long that I desire to get back to my writing to release it.



Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein