5-24-2013

This last week has been so busy, and I am truly exhausted. I started school, I met with my psychiatrist which caused me to actually miss the second day of one of my classes (oops), and I got up at 7AM this morning to drive nearly an hour away to piece of shit therapy appointment I thought was going to be good. I arrive at this practice at 8:45AM and my appointment is at 9AM and the doors are locked – no cars in the parking lot/gravel yard behind the old house. This building was definitely someone’s old house, and there was a “Private Property” sign as well as a “Beware of Dog” sign. I haven’t even walked into the piece of crap building and I know I won’t like it. Think about the message they are sending: Come you clients with mental illness but beware of our dog, (not even considering that some patients may be afraid of dogs). Like what the hell? Anyway I walked into the building and it stenches of piss and mildew. The therapy session alone was just bad. “Marissa you seem to have an extensive history of counseling, what exactly do you wish to get out of therapy”? What do I plan to get out of therapy? “Umm, I want my head to stop feeling like it is going to explode into a trillion pieces of high and low depressed and upset chaos, oh and I want to stop being fat”. That was not a satisfactory answer to her and she told me by the time I came back I had to think of what I wanted to get out of therapy. I had already written her off well before that point so I wasn’t worried about any of that nonsense. Using half a tank of gas just to go to a piss smelling therapy appointment is not my cup of sugar free monster. So the plan is to see the therapist that works with my psychiatrist, and that is that.

As of yesterday and especially today it is remarkably noticeable to me that I feel extra depressed and very tired. There are so many things going on right now it’s not even funny to point the blame at one thing. I have hypothyroidism which causes depression in normal people so who knows what it’s doing to me, I am coming off a potent mood stabilizer with no substitution, and I have had a significant decrease in sleep the last week. You see, I am relatively good at figuring out what is wrong with me but God knows how to actually get myself to feel better or fix myself. As of now I have no idea whatsoever to think about my mental health. I had the results of my psychological test semi “explained” to me by my psychiatrist yesterday. According to the results I have Attention Deficit Disorder but because there is not a family history and because no one else had ever suggested I have this, they don’t want to say for sure I have ADD. I meet 6 out of 7 of the criteria for Bipolar Illness, but it is still a little iffy so that isn’t for sure either.  “You fit the description for Borderline Personality Disorder perfectly, but at your age we don’t like giving that diagnoses because BPD is hard to treat.” “Marissa you seem anxious do you think you have an anxiety disorder?” “Well the only thing we know for sure you don’t have is substance abuse or chemical dependence issues.” Oh holy night, did you really just vaguely throw a big bloody bag of 5 unsure mental disorders at me?! Why can’t you just tell me what is wrong and help me Dr. ****? “Marissa, fixing mental illness is not like treating a thyroid problem. A blood test can reveal a thyroid issue and then the Doctor knows exactly what to prescribe.” Tis the complete opposite in Psychiatry, especially for me it seems. No one knows exactly what is wrong, and there is no “magic pill” of course I know that.

The old saying “I am sick of feeling sick and tired”, well the hell I am. I am sick of feeling depressed, fat, out of control, hopeless, helpless, angry, and confused. That is my sick and tired. I have never even sprained a toe, yet I kid you not I just took every single mental health self-assessment quiz on psychcentral.com and I met the criteria for nearly every disorder or at least experienced symptoms from most disorders. The only thing I can say that I have not experienced is obvious auditory or visual hallucinations. I have been suicidal, I have/am depressed, I have struggled with self-harm, I have starved myself near the point of death, I have done the opposite and nearly eaten myself to death, I have been paranoid, but what it really comes down to is I am unhappy and I need help, and I need to change, and I don’t know how to do either of the two. I have also been on an extensive list of psychiatric drugs since the age of 14 and none of them have had any superior affect. I have come to believe I have what is called Treatment Resistant Depression in which most drugs don’t work. I have come up with the list of the meds I have been on, and here they are - frankly I probably forgot 1 or 2.

Zoloft

Risperdal

Prozac

Abilify

Lamictal

Hydroxyzine

Effexor

Topamax

Trileptal

Ativan

Klonopin

Seroquel

Haldol

Geodon

Lithium (shutters)

Cymbalta

Wellbutrin

Remeron

Inderal

Latuda

Tegretol

Now that I look at it, it isn’t nearly as many as I remember it to be. I think just being on them for so long is what sticks out. There are definitely different meds to try now that I looked on the internet. So hope remains. I know meds aren’t the only thing that is going to work its therapy and (yes Dad) some of it just “comes from me”, I suppose. I hope things change though, because I don’t want to be this way forever. When I was at the Tidewater Community College Virginia Beach Campus last week I went to the career office and looked at some jobs just for shits and giggles. There is a senior care organization where you get paid just to go in and pretty much baby-sit an old person. I don’t think you even have to be a Certified Nurse Assistant. That sounded like an “I might be able to do that in the future”, type job at least I am thinking that. Sorry folks that’s all I have to say today I am tired. Bye: D

 And seriously thanks for reading and please continue to do so.