Hey Everyone,
Sorry I haven’t blogged in about a week. It had such a busy
week. Last week I had 4 days of school as well as some unexpected Doctors’
appointments and you know things just come up. During the time in which I usually
blog, I have been doing homework, so I got my writing homework done today and
now I am doing my blogJ. So
here I am. I had a really great weekend. I got to see one of my best friends on
Saturday which was awesome. She is awesome. Again, just one of the
people I look up to. Today has been nothing but homework up until now because I
slept in pretty late. I watched the Human Centipede 1 and 2 last night on
Netflix which was totally gross but you know what, I didn’t even have bad
dreams, thanks to Seroquel I don’t really remember if I ever dreams.
What can I say…hmm I changed the layout of my blog if you
can’t tell; it was a little boring to me. Now it fits my personality better I
think. I did not see my therapist or psychiatrist last week which sucked! Since
coming off lithium I have been feeling different. That is all. Not bad, not
good, just different. A little bit more energy maybe, but kind of on edge and a
bit angry although that’s how I always feel I guess it has just been
exemplified. I also got my eyebrow pierced the other day which was fun. It was
a rather impulsive decision actually. I was just driving back from seeing my
dietician and I knew that I wanted to take the lip rings out and get studs
instead, so I was like the hell with it I will just get my eyebrow pierced too.
It turns out my lips are really infected. I kind of thought that because there
is always crust and goop, but apparently it’s pretty bad. So the piercer girl
gave me some topical medicine for it and I bought surgical stainless steel
studs, which will hopefully prevent irritation. Getting my eyebrow pierced did
not hurt at all, I hardly felt it. My parents were mad as always but you know
what they are always unhappy at something about me. I don’t care because this
is just me being me. It’s like art; it’s like me painting a picture.
Things have just been so incredibly hectic; there is so
much to say. I am in the middle of trying to find the right therapist (as I
think you all know) which is a very hard process, because the insurance company
will only cover one therapist at a time. After my last piss smelling therapy
appointment I knew for sure that woman was not for me. I sent in an application
to be seen at Eastern Virginia Medical School Department of Psychiatry and
Behavioral Sciences, so I really can’t decide what I am doing until I hear a definitive
answer from them, because if they decide to see me I will most likely be going
there. Ugh there are just so many things on my mind. All day I have thoughts of
this that, that, ugh this cat, ew I am fat, HELP!!! There is always something
in my head and the thoughts never stop. But you know what, one day they will. I
am just so tired of it, and I wish I knew what to do because I would do it
before the blink of an eye. I am going to be seeing my psychiatrist on Friday
and I will be presenting her with how I am feeling and if I am not satisfied
with how things go I will be in yet another dilemma. All I want is some real helpL.
Well I suppose I should pick up at the historical part of
my story…
I left Sheppard Pratt Hospital in approximately April of
2011 not against medical advice, but still not under the advice of my well-directed
Psychiatrist. I returned home to finish my senior year of high school, and for
the first 2 weeks I was on “home-bound”, because it was decided that there was
almost no point in me going back into the student population. I had actually
landed myself a job at McDonalds the day I got back from Sheppard Pratt. This
was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I was considered a home bound student homebound
students were not allowed to work either, hence not going to school. I did not
know this at first. So I spent about a week working from 7am-1pm at McDonalds.
It was a disaster. I had just spent nearly 2.5 months isolated in a psychiatric
hospital particularly for an eating disorder. Now I was home and working at
McDonalds with no experience working a cash register device, and a shit storm
of pathetic social concepts. The McDonalds was on the way to my school so the
tall tan Barbie doll girls would come in and buy themselves a nutritious breakfast
of a large sweet tea with a side of extra napkin. Of course no one really knew
me, but I was that strangely familiar weird skinny kid (that should have been
in school). I was so bad at taking orders on this device I needed help doing
nearly every task of the god damn McDonalds job. The other employees and supervisors
just looked at me in dismay. I was like a creature from planet x. One day
during my home bound tutoring my teacher told me I was not allowed to me
working since I was on home bound. I was relieved and horrified at the same
time. It was actually against the law to work if you were legally a homebound
student. Well that day I called up good old Ronald McDonald and told them I
wasn’t going to be able to work anymore and that was it. So it didn’t show up
for 2 days.
Two days later it was decided I was going back to school because
I was bored out of my mind at home and I wanted to be in the few classes I
actually had. So I called McDonalds and asked if I still had the job. “Umm no you
ditched for 2 days you lost the job, please come return your uniform”. Wow, I
really just got fired, sort of. I technically told them first, that I was not
going to be able to work anymore, but just having someone say that I “lost the
job” was horrifying. I was so furious. That big McNugget sucking jack ass can
kiss my ass and join the circus. I didn’t care if he “fired” me. Well I kind of
did…whatever. To this day I have not gone back inside that McDonalds. That was
the shortest job I ever had and hopefully ever will have.
My last 2 months of high school were fine. I took Humanities,
U.S. Government, and English, and I got an A in every one of the classes. My
teachers were great but I also was determined to at least do something within
the spectrum of positive so I graduated high school with a 3.4 GPA -not too bad
for someone who went to the psych hospital 3 out of their 4 years of high
school. The next anxiety provoking event in my mind was graduation. The
Grassfield High School Class of 2011 had about 800 students and we were all
going to walk across a stage at Old Dominion University. The entire stadium was
full of friends, family, and extended family cheering on their proud graduates.
The only people in the stadium for me: my mom and my spoiled brat sister. Dad was
in Afghanistan of course, and there is no such thing as a local extended
family. Although my graduation serves a memory in my mind, it was one of the
most depressing realizations in the history of my mind. I will get more into
this in my next entryJ.
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