Hello everyone… time has
come for a new blog post.
Things have been going hectic
has ever lately I must say. I might, might be moving to Maryland in the next
couple of months which is so exciting yet anxiety provoking for me all at once.
Again it is just a fleeting idea as per always but maybe I will actually follow
through. I would have a great support system there with lots of great friends
and great professionals who I would be able to see for me eating disorder and
bi-polar disorder, but I would be leaving my parents and my house and my dog
(who is my second life), and my life here in Virginia which is all I have known
for the last 12 years. I have lived here my whole life. The memories of moving
around with my parents in the military are gone and Virginia is my home. However
change may be very good for me. I may thrive in a new environment in the adult
world by myself. I could easily start at the Community College of Baltimore
County and things would work out supremely I think. I would not be completely
alone though, because I know I would have a great support system. I would just
have to re-apply for health insurance in that state and that would just take
about a month which is a little bit frightening to think that I might not have
health insurance for a month, but there are way around that as well. I just
have to put my big girl pants on and get my shit straight. I know I can do it.
Although I take college classes at a very slow rate, I get straight A’s in all
my classes. I would rather take classes at a slow rate than take more classes
and get worse grades. I also talked with my therapist about just jumping into
some career plan that I am really not interested in such as a CNA, Pharmacy
Tech, Nursing, or something else. Well if it is really not my heart’s desire to
do any of that why waste my time and my parent’s money. I will just continue to
take general classes at a slow pace until I finally get the God forsaken desire
to do something with my life. Hopefully with the right amount of therapy,
support, and the right combination of medication it will all fall into place. I
saw a psychiatrist about a week ago who said that medication may not do
anything for me at this point. I was rather depressed at this statement and I
reacted in an impulsive childish way. I was furious. How dare this psychiatrist
who dedicates her profession to prescribing medication to people like me tell
me that medication may not help me and therapy is my only hope?! Well that was
the first and LAST time I saw her. If/until I move out of state I am sticking
with the psychiatrist I know and she knows me. I need to talk to her about my
medication concerns though. I do not believe my current medication regime is
helping me whatsoever. I also feel that I might be sleeping back into the hands
of my eating disorder a little bit. Not even intentionally but the medication she
has me on causes me to have no appetite whatsoever and it is noticeable to even
me which is slightly concerning. Not to mention the fact that my meds aren’t working
in the least bit to help my mind and thoughts. I feel like I am riding and
roller coaster, caught in a hurricane, and locked in cell with the key just so
far out of reach.
This career decision thing
is also really starting to bother me. I am not 18 anymore fresh out of high
school. I am almost 21 and I need to figure out what to dedicate my life to
otherwise I will be living off the government for the rest of my life and I
will have almost no money to my name. If anyone thinks they have any
suggestions please text me if you have my number, Facebook message me, or
otherwise contact me with suggestions. I am even open to pursuing a major in English
or creative writing at this point, I just need something to look at other than
the dirt. It is sad that I am turning 21 in less than a month and what are my
plans for the big 21st…nothing….my parents certainly aren’t going to
take me out for that first drink, I can’t even have alcohol in the house. I am
so sad and hopeless I am not sure what to do. I guess there is nothing to do
other than to keep writing and to keep talking to those who support me. And for
those I don’t talk to as often as I should in my life I haven’t forgotten about
you J I just feel so overwhelmed it paralyzes me sometimes. That’s another
reason why I haven’t even been on Facebook as much recently, but I will get
back to it and I will jump back. If anyone has any suggestions on my moving
idea please also let me know. I would love feedback about my moving to Maryland
idea and career decisions let me know! In fact the apartment building I am
looking at is right off Joppa Road in Towson Maryland and they base your rent
off your income so it looks like a great opportunity for me. Thanks everyone!
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment