Well what can I say it has been a very long time since I
have done a blog entry and I have no good reason, other than I have been in
school since May, and I have been going through a depressive episode. It is not
an excuse though and I am sorry for all those who like to read these blog
entries. Now that I get a little break from school I hope to get back into
this.
I suppose the first entry should be what I have been doing
with my time these last couple months. I have had school four days per week for
2 hours per day which does not seem like a lot at all but considering I have to
drive about half an hour both ways to one of the classes it adds up. I have
been in therapy with a new therapist and I have been continuing to see a
psychiatrist, one I had been seeing back in my “anorexic years” actually. When
I started seeing her again she was under the impression I had a minor slip up
with depression and I had taken a small break from 4-year University. Sorry Dr.
Hyder tis not the case, I am still the helpless 10th grade girl you
knew back in 2009 only now I am in a different body and instead of anorexia
nervosa I am facing life consuming manic depression (Bipolar Disorder). So she
was surprised to say the least, and had to fiddle around with my medications
but during our second appointment she decided it appropriate to tell me she is
moving practices and it just so happens that the practice she is moving to has
no female therapists so I decided not to follow her to her new practice. I had
my last appointment with her a week ago and this week I have an appointment
with a Psychiatrist at the practice where I am seeing my therapist. I think it
will work out well, because my new and previous Psychiatrist knew one another,
all the Psychiatrists from Pakistan in this area know each other – LoL! We will
see how it goes and I will be sure to let you all know how it goes.
My appointments with my therapist have been going
surprisingly well too. This is new for me because I don’t usually like my
therapists, and within a few weeks I kick them to the dirt. My therapist has
her Ph.D. and she is an older-middle aged women who is just very kind and I
really like her. She is aware of my past history with anorexia has well as my
current issues. She is wonderful and I plan to stick with her as long as
insurance approves.
Home life has been stressful at times even unbearable and
at others just damn right un tolerable, but home still has the comfort of my
parents, my dog, and the environment I have called my shell since the age of
15. It has been my jacket during the cold, it has been my warm bed at night, it
has been the dog I snuggle up with at night when I have no friends or romantic
partner to talk to, it is my mom who I talk to about my issues when no one else
is listening, so unfortunately it is my “safe zone”. Moving out is going to be
hard but the time will come, and I have even tried to move out but I simply do
not have the finances to move out at the moment. I would love to pick up and
move to Baltimore and see the world renowned treatment providers at Sheppard
Pratt Hospital- because believe it or not they too are a comfort for me, but I
simply do not have the resources to move on my own. Also, my best of all
friends live in the Baltimore area, so I certainly plan to move to Maryland as
soon as I get my shit straight and my money saved up. They are also some of the
top readers of this blogJ. I would like to believe anyway.
I suppose there must be a small bit of just me, how I am
feeling what is going through my head. To be honest I have a million things
going through my head, and at the same time I have nothing at all in my head, I
feel the world closing in on me. I will use the analogy I have used many a
time. My head is like the ocean, at the top of the ocean it is lively with
boats, animals, waves, fish, wind, anything you can imagine, but at the bottom
of the sea it is dead and quiet where submarines lay from World War 1 and 2.
There is nothing going on down there it is empty and quiet. That is my mind
right there. I just want it to stop too. That is how I am with everything, from
making decisions about what to eat to making school, financial, and career
decisions, there is no straight reliable function everything is all over the
place. One day it will stop. Every ocean is still at some point and so will my
mind.
The good news is I will graduate my two classes this summer
with A’s. When I put my head to do something I usually do well. It is just
getting through the task that is hard for me. I have a hard time starting
something and not giving up. The last 1-2 weeks of the classes I wanted to give
up because I felt despair and I was just so sick of being in school. Well I
need to get over that because I have a very long, long way to go. I am only 9
credits into a major, and I don’t even know what that major is yet. As of now I
am thinking about doing a Certified Nursing Assistant Class in the fall so I
can get a job and just make some money, but who knows the ocean (my mind), changes
very fast and it is likely that my decision will change, but maybe with
encouragement I will stick with the plan. There are just some parts of nursing
aide jobs that I don’t want to do. My friend gave me her nursing aide book and
I was looking through it and they teach CAN’s how to restrains people and I
have seen people get restrained and it’s not a welcoming site. That is getting
very personal for me. It hits a nerve for me and I can’t ever see myself
restraining someone. I would work in an assisted living facility rather a
nursing home though because residents of an assisted living home are much more
functional than that of a nursing home. Working in a hospital would be most
ideal I think. Especially if it was with children or labor and delivery units
because I don’t think they would need to be restrained for any reason.
I think that is all I can think of at the moment but I will
have another blog entry later this weekJ.
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